This week I feel like I finally took a step in the right direction.
I have decided to change "Do as I say, not as I do" to "Do as I say AND as I do".
This may seem like just a small change in a cliched phrase, but to me it means so much more. I talk a lot of talk about changing your life and following your heart and doing what you feel is right for you without caring what others will think. However, up until this moment, I haven't lived it at all. Thus far my life has been a life of passively allowing things to happen to me, blaming my circumstances, and avoiding conflict to the degree that I allow myself to be trampled and abused in the process.
I'm willing to admit that I have done this in every aspect of my life. Work, family, lovers, and a handful of other vital categories. Nothing has been safe from my unwillingness to live the life I so loved to advise others to live. It's so easy to look at other peoples' lives and dish out this idealist advice, but when it comes to our own lives, we shy away and take the path of least resistance.
I have to thank my friends that don't let me get away with it. The friends that challenge me and don't let me tell myself dirty lies are the friends that I keep the closest. They called me out on my unlimited excuses to why I couldn't make a change, why I had to wait, why it wasn't smart for me to make a change yet. I was quick to explain why my situation is different, why I'm different. But the reality is, why shouldn't I, too, take the active steps to eliminate unnecessary negativity from my life?
The truth is I was scared. I always have been. I have been terrified of hurting other peoples' feelings or disappointing people my whole life. I would rather passively accept less than the best than actively pursue what I want and accept that I might fail. Recently, there finally came a moment where I realized I had had enough. It wasn't a specific date or time (not a birthday or a New Years resolution), just an overwhelming feeling of "This is not how I'm going to live anymore."
The first step in actively pursuing a new life was eliminating content from my old one. The first thing that had to go was my job. There was no opportunity for growth and the environment was manipulative and controlling. To be honest though, the main reason was, I didn't want to do that job anymore and the only reason I was doing it was for money, but the job was making me sick, which was costing me money. The only answer was to be honest and get out.
The scariest and most exciting part of this is I really don't know what I'm going to do next. I am moving somewhere for I don't know how long and I don't have a solid job yet. It is terrifying to admit that I truly don't know what's in store for me next. All I know is that I'm doing this for myself. I'm done pretending. I know that this is a necessary step for me to start to live a life that I want to live.
Now is the chance for me to live as I have told countless others to live. I am going to believe in myself and embrace the chaos of cleansing my life. I know that it will be different and beautiful.
